2019 has been a whirlwind of things. Emotionally I have been ripped to pieces and steadily pieced back together again. The process is still incomplete. I have had conversations with people and myself showing me how much more work I have ahead of me to restore my emotional and mental health.

My past has played a critical role in my choices and modus operandi in the present. And it’s time that stopped. I need to heal and release a lot of things. And come 2020, I intend to commit to therapy. Through my good friends I have some referrals to therapists or clinical psychologists, if you like, to guide me through the process of healing.

Just as much as my mind has been out of shape so has my body. I always told my pals that at my heaviest, I am normally at the worst mental state. I eat my feelings, food makes things feel better for a moment. Then soon there is a need to eat more when the feeling of satisfaction fades.

I had kicked off 2019 well. I was watching what I ate, I exercised 3 to 4 times a week and I immediately felt the difference. I felt better about myself, I was more optimistic, I was driven, my self-esteem was at an all-time high. Zumba and power walking worked for me. I was living in a great neighbourhood, a great area to walk.  Then things shifted when I moved back home.

I wasn’t able to power walk, not really in a friendly neighbourhood to do that primarily because you are more likely to be hit by a car or ram into people. Just a poorly planned place. Then there weren’t any Zumba classes near me. I learnt a long time ago that effective attendance to classes for me is all about proximity. I was relieved a gym finally opened near me.

I paid my membership and at the time I had a personal trainer. It was great while it lasted. Then it soon didn’t make much financial sense to have a personal trainer. I travelled and was out of time for months, got back in the height of depression so I never really worked out for most of the year.

Finally, as the cloud started to lift, towards the end of the year, I went to the gym and pushed myself with basic cardio, cycling for 30 minutes sporadically. And eventually tried out the limited classes the gym had. I didn’t like them for many reasons I am not bothered to share at this moment. After a survey they opted to make a dance class unique to themselves, I attended one, hated the delivery. Right now what’s clear is if I am to continue gym membership it’s either a personal trainer or I stick to cardio. But I know myself.

I need Zumba or some type of well-choreographed dance class to keep at it. I may have to sacrifice on the commute though. I am now shopping for places I can get a 3 to 4 day work out in 2020 as I rescind my membership for 2020 at the gym. Unless I am in a position to keep at it with a personal trainer and they miraculously offer a dance solution which works for me, it’s not worth the membership renewal.

So, in 2020 as I consider my health, I know I need to start therapy, find a group dance workout which works for me, get a full annual check-up. In all honesty, I have never really got a full annual checkup done, but I intend to do this going forward annually. I have only been consistent with my eyesight and semi-consistent with my dentist. But the rest of me needs a check.

My mind and my body need to be healthy and in tune, if I am to do anything with my life going forward.