I have been avoiding writing for two days. My work is writing, but I tend to run away from writing that involves my personal reflection. That’s what all these blog posts are really; personal reflection packaged in various shapes – flash fiction, commentary, articles…whatever, I feel I share in the written word. Most of the time it really is the fear of overexposing myself. You know, the internet never forgets. Well, that’s what I keep telling myself.

The past 2 months it’s not only writing that has been a struggle, but reading has also been as well. And when those two things hit rock bottom; for me, that means productivity equals zero! I started reading Robin Sharma’s The Secret Letters and a quote just gave me pause, prompting me back on the road to writing again.

There are two statements that have given me pause:

“…live life on our own terms, under our own values and aligned with our original dreams…”

And, “…We have to understand where we have been and know where we are going.”

I ask myself;

  1. What are my terms?
  2. What are my values?
  • What is my original dream – what does that even mean?
  1. Where have I been and where the hell am I really going?

I don’t know the answer to any of these questions, well for some I guess, it’s more about I don’t know the answers in their entirety. At the same time, these questions, I feel aren’t necessarily meant to be answered right now or should have only one answer. These questions are like a compass that serves as a redirection to my True North.

Life is beautiful and complex, at times simple and extremely ugly. The  ying and yang they say, where am I going and against what yardstick do I measure my gains and my losses? Apparently, real living is creating those parameters of progress and failure, learning from them, growing building and freeing yourself from social pressures and misdirection.

I honestly don’t know where I am going right now, the last 2 months have been spent yanking my brains to figure out what to focus on with the changing realities I had based my year’s plans on. Now I ask myself what really is important and how to get rid of the mental suffocation? Time to ditch the old yardstick and find a new one, which one do I pick and where do I pick this new yardstick? Or should I make one? I don’t know.

I don’t mind being in this state, because it allows me to constructively ease into the new direction I need to take. In my 20s this pensiveness caused me a lot of frustration. It felt wrong to “not know where I need to be 5 years from now.”

Right now what is most important is just know what I want by December this year and work towards that. The simple acts of support and love to those who mean the most to me. At the top of that list is my Mama. And making sure she beats cancer and I can spend more time with her watching episodes of The Incredible Dr Pol; her favourite TV show! Everything else falls from there.